The Crummy Curmudgeon

The Crummy Curmudgeon all covered in crud
Is nobody's playmate and nobody's bud
He climbs up the ladders and gets 'em all sticky
From old rotten candy and boogers he's picking
And when he climbs down, it's not that, but the worst
'Cause his feet are all covered in sores that've burst
They ooze from the tops and lop over the sides
Of his over-sized feet, too long and too wide
And his smile, when he does it, is nothing but gross
'Cause it's all filled with worms that fell out of his nose
Yes, the Crummy Curmudgeon is most nasty at best
With his head full of transplanted hair from his chest
His back is all covered in pimples and scabs
And gross deformations he pokes at and stabs
He yells and he burps and he sings out of tune
He stinks and he slurps and he sleeps until noon
He doesn't say "thanks" when he's given a gift
And he laughs way too loud at the farts that he's whiffed
I guess what I'm saying is, don't let him come
To your parties or functions or anything fun
'Cause he'll just ruin all of the plans that you've made
Disturb all your guests, and trouble the maid
He'll upturn your tables and untie your bows
He'll burn all your muffins and tickle your toes
He'll do all he can to wreak havoc and pain
To hurt and insult, disfigure, and mame
So if you are smart (and I hope that you are)
You'll lock all your doors and relocate your car
And when you can smell him, just give him a shout
"Hey Crummy Curmudgeon, there's no one about!"
"Don't come in our gates or pee in our yard!
"Don't break all our things into small tiny shards!
"Don't stomp in our gardens or ruffle our pets!
"Leave open our doors or sleep in our beds!
"'Cause there's no one about to say, 'Hey, look at you!'
"And give you the credit where credit is due!
"So just walk on by, 'cause there's no one about!"
And that is the kind of loud thing you should shout
And the Crummy Curmudgeon will just pass on by
And perhaps at the next house he'll go in and try
To wreak havoc and grossness that goes beyond mention
And to think that he does it all, just for attention.